EPI 77: Makin’ Metaphysical Lemonade
Tonight is directly about bipolar disorder, something I haven’t done in many episodes.
The reason for this has been shared on my show repeatedly.
But something happened that shifted my opinion about the way I’m handling this topic to a more positive perspective.
I learned the hard way to stop trying to save bipolar afflicted people in any direct fashion.
Back when I used to try, the Universe spanked me hard, hitting my sore bum from multiple angles.
After “failing” to help people beat bipolar in the way that I did, I also came to realize that I wasn’t even interested in trying anymore, beyond being a passive receptacle for the system I created to do so.
But bipolar was and still is a key component to my value and what it is I offer to the world.
So the word has remained within my brand.
But how to use the positives of my experience, working primarily with people who’ve never had bipolar, or don’t have bipolar as a key issue in their lives, without drawing those who wish to be “saved”, as often used to happen?
Turns out, I think I’ve finally mastered what that looks like, because the results in my day-to-day are proving that my fears ares simply not materializing.
Now listen: these fears used to be valid.
And they caused me massive confusion and frustration as I tried to straddle the line between my new world and my old, without muddying either with the other’s presence.
Well, it seems, based on the past couple years or so of putting myself out there, that my concerns in this area are no longer a concern.
I can’t tell you how hard this has been on me, nor how relieved I am that it’s over.
But you might face a similar disparity in mission intent, or should I say, commingled mission intents.
How to solve this?
Well, direct feedback from the world is needed. Keep at it until enough data arrives to clearly provide the clarity you seek.
The rest? Quiet time and private talks with those whose opinion you value. Then more quiet time.
Just click the “READ MORE” text below for the transcript!
Hey, this is Ken Jensen. I beat bipolar disorder in an all natural fashion back in the mid 2 thousands. And believe it or not, that’s not even the coolest part of my story.
What I learned through that process and what came next and how that applied to bipolar and why bipolar was ever even part of the process, was mind blowing to say the least.
Bipolar has hidden within its strengths. I’m gonna show you what I mean and how they’ve shown up in my life so you can do the same. Welcome to the Bipolar Excellence podcast episode 77 making metaphysical lemonade.
Before I forget because I keep forgetting Not only do I have a YouTube channel that I’m still sorting out how to update regularly. I got I got I got videos on YouTube.
There’s also videos of these podcast episodes on their individual pages within my site, bipolar excellence dot com. So if you wanna sit and watch me attempt to do these things well and put a face to the to the the voice.
There you go. They look pretty cool the way they sit on the page, I think. I like and then you can find me on YouTube. Just punch up bipolar excellence. You’ll find me easy enough.
Just another way I’m reaching out to people and let people know, see who it is at saying all these incredibly useless, valid and entertaining things. That can do nothing but help humanity in every way possible, such as my hope.
On that note, the lemons, the metaphysical lemons. Okay. You guys have heard me talk on the show about The struggle I’ve had with the fact that I have bipolar and the name of everything I do.
It’s my it’s part of my brand. And and why because of my bipolar backstory and how I fought with separating hailing the sick, which I don’t wanna do, can’t do.
I’m not qualified to do. You don’t even want me to try. And using my bipolar experience to draw people who are building something big off the back of their story and experiences like I am.
And I’ve mentioned before how no matter no matter what I think or feel, it’s been important to me that people Fighting with bipolar do discover someone like me and the information I learned about it.
So that maybe they got a shot at pulling off what I did or at least get a piece of it which is better than nothing better than just having the illness.
So there’s gonna be no details here that can make anybody uncomfortable. But somebody somebody wrote something publicly that I felt like responding to about how they were feeling bad.
I’m gonna keep it that vague. They were feeling bad about some stuff, and they were considering some things that shouldn’t be considered.
I felt like I had to say something And the funny thing is I have so much to say about bipolar and yet I fear what it might draw my way.
The whole dad thought. Big, you know, in with relation to what I what I said when I opened this episode.
Hang on. I know this drive me crazy. Alright. I had that thought again tonight that fear and that thought. First off, the conversation went well. I got a reply from someone.
We went back and it a couple times and it was really good and they said nice things about what it is I say publicly and how. And it was received and told by them and relayed back to me in a way that matches what I hoped I was doing.
This was very satisfying to me, plus I was glad that what I had to say, help somebody who who is hurting as much as this person is. Again, I’m not trying to save the world or anything but if I can give someone a hand, I shall.
So The fear the fear the anxiety like did I just inherit? Did I just inherit someone that wants me to handhold them through the journey I just told him is possible.
Well, then I mean no disrespect to that person if if they should ever listen to this So this is just this is an ongoing thing I’ve been dealing with for years and I’ve had a lot of experiences in this area that have not been as I liked and and it it led to you know, the the bulk of what this episode’s about.
I’ve come to realize that lately, and I believe it’s because I’ve been working on this in so many fronts.
Nobody’s doing to me what I was worried about them doing. That’s not to say it can’t still happen. But I think for more than 1 reason it’s going just like it went today.
I’m just helping people they’re not kicking my door in for direct help from me with with regards to bipolar. Or anything for that matter, you know, mental, wellness, literal, you know, literal wellness from a place of despair.
Nobody’s really done that to me. The the people I’ve been meeting that that fit this category there there in something that I got out of But none of them are really they’re not pressing the boundary.
They’re not asking for the direct help like I’d worried because I don’t want to let anybody down or mislead them, give them false hope or I I go to great lengths when I word things to let people know.
I’m I’m not not doing that with you.
I’m not even looking to do that with you, but it’d be a fucking sin if I didn’t at least tell you a little bit about what I went through with that and and how I beat it or just to or just to let you know I beat it.
I don’t even I don’t even bother sharing the direct tool, the the 1 tool I have in these events. I I don’t want anybody to think I’m trying to profit from their pain or or use them as a marketing device. III never would.
I won’t and then I never I never would but it’s a tricky little dance trying to help people depending on the context of how you met them to make clear what your intentions are and and just keep everything above board and and again not sit up false hopes.
Which is horrible. So I think I did it pretty well tonight with this person and they were you know, they sent some nice things back in forth with me and kept it short and sweet and I’m just glad I said something that helped.
I know back when I was in the shit with bipolar and I guess I wanna do a little bipolar talk tonight because I never really do on this show.
I guess it’s time for a little bit of that. I didn’t think anything was possible like what I eventually did but even like the edges of a thin sliver of what I did seemed impossible.
What I did which was to get completely well beat bipolar and put it in my past, nobody in charge quote unquote, said it was possible. As a matter of fact, they said it was impossible.
Thank God. I tend to resist authority or who know well, I’d have been dead. If I had just aid with the doctors I would have been dead, but that’s not all doctors. That’s not every case of this thing with this illness.
I know that. I’m just saying that’s what would have happened with I’d have been dead if I stayed with the doctors. My last doctor gave me permission to try anything outside of psychiatry, and I needed to hear it from him specifically.
Because of our relationship and our understanding 1 another, patient to doctor. And he even confirmed I was not like the any any.
I was the only patient out of many hundreds who were like I was that looked at my situation like I did, researched it like I did and came back to him with questions like I did. Nobody else did that.
Nobody. I didn’t notice. I didn’t give a shit. I was trying to save my life and my sanity when he told me that nobody him questions about why his treatment plan which was nothing more than really just fucking pills.
Why that pill? What’s it doing with the other pills? What’s the long range results? Whatever I could think of to ask. I’d ask and I was I was manic frequently back then. So I’d come with a laundry list of questions.
So my brain just fired rapidly constantly nonstop. Sometimes I didn’t sleep for days and never got tired. So when I say questions I came back at this poor man with questions with a capital q.
It blew my mind when he told me nobody else did that. And and I thought he was being like you know rhetorical just just saying something for a fact and I was I was like no 1 he goes not 1.
You’re the only 1. And in my case, he then went on to say and he said, I hate that I hate that for you because you And of all my clients, you are the only 1 who is fully aware of just how completely fucked you are.
You cannot get help from psychiatry. We’ve proven that. You have to do something else. I just don’t know what that is because I’m a psychiatrist. But he said at this point you can try whatever you want because what’s the difference?
You’re gonna diet as the disease in 6 months. In 6 months or less, you’re gonna die by cop. Now whenever I tell this story, people freak out and cringe, they don’t understand a relationship I had with this doctor.
And the fact that a Marine Corps War vet and this is at the VA. Things were more direct and I wanted it that way. I didn’t want any sugar coating.
I didn’t give a shit how bad it was it when whenever a matter of fact, you know something a little side note. When I was bipolar and I couldn’t have felt more scared in a low own. I felt good at the VA because I was around other vets.
I was around the brotherhood in the sisterhood for that matter, but I was with other vets who were fucked up in all kinds of ways and we had that common bond not every vet’s been to war but whatever we’re vets we did something most other people don’t do.
And just being in a VA, at least back then made me comfortable a little bit, made me comfortable talking to this doc was when I was most comfortable and a lot of my symptoms would actually go away because I trusted him.
He didn’t bullshit me. He respected my opinions.
And as I’ve just relayed, I had more opinions than most people and he respected me more because of it. But he said he wished I, you know, he wished I was ignorant of my situation so I could die with some modicum of peace.
Now that again sounds harsh but I’m a marine and he’s a marine doctor. He wasn’t a marine but, you know, he was a doctor of marines.
I just wanted shit straight. That that that soothed me. That made sense to me. That was rational. I had less shit I had a pick through I wasn’t that wasn’t having to like decipher the hidden meaning in anything.
Nothing was subtle. Everything direct. It’s easier to make decisions when shit’s direct. And I wasn’t upset by what he said. I wasn’t up I mean, I wasn’t upset. In the moment, I wasn’t upset so much as like, well fuck me.
Now what? It was kind of like that wasn’t mad at him because he was acting as he always had which was 1 of the few things that brought me peace when I was in the middle of the stormy as part of the illness.
There was about a I can’t remember anymore. There was like a 2 year, 3 year, possibly 4, but at least 2 and 3, 2 or 3 years.
Where this illness came at me like a raging fucking mob like a horde of Mongolian warriors in the tens of thousands and I’m naked, you know, with a rusty fork for defense and they’re coming at me from all sides, they’re tunneling up under underneath me, they’re dropping from balloons above me, all entering my head and raping and ravaging and pillaging my sanity.
That’s what bipolar felt like to me. Plus my body did weird shit was happening. I had sensations that are indescribable similar to a bad acid trip happening in every fiber of my being.
I honestly to this day don’t really know exactly how I survived it. I had a really bad case of bipolar. And before it got really bad it was directing a lot of the show and I did a lot of risky shit a lot of risky shit.
And even before I got sick, there was aspects of me that scared people because I was unpredictable or if I was with the right group, I was the entertaining 1 because I was unpredictable.
But the things I was doing that you couldn’t predict were getting more wild, dangerous and illegal, unsavory.
I went down some roads that should have never been gone down. Met more people were just like myself which is what happens when you do anything in life.
And then we worked on destroying each other faster as a team. Nothing like company. While the while your world burns, We helped each other with the pails of gas we were throwing on each other’s flames.
So I’m starting to see now like number 4 just because that’s in 1 part, it’s how it’s happening. It looks and feels to me like maybe if I continue doing this the way I’m doing it.
I can help bi polar people in a way. I’m not only qualified to do which I’m qualified for very little in this area professionally legally. I’m not you know, I have no certifications.
Not for this. Not not for this direct care. I feel like I can be a source of inspiration and hope I got my system. The It takes guts to live well system which is the literal system I use to to beat bipolar. Don’t know if it’ll help you.
Good chance it will not do to many many variables but it’s there in my site if if you want it by polar excellence dot com. I think I think I’ve sorted this out to the degree that I can be of use to to people suffering with that illness.
Without it intertwining in any comfortable way with any of my life to include the part of bipolar excellence that I I am pushing hard to do which is helping champion minded people climb reach ever higher heights on the mountain of success particularly the eclectic ones.
Particularly the ones that nobody believes in. I found that there is strength in having bipolar or our our strengths for a lot of bipolar people. I don’t think it’s every polar person that that would be ludicrous.
But I think there’s a high why I know there is? I know there is. I I haven’t had to share this info in so long. I’m I’m forgetting some of the details I used to have readily available to my forebrain.
By polar people, there’s a higher percentage of us compared to the non bipolar population who are creative. And we’re able to do things mentally for the good that a lesser degree of the regular public can.
What we can do shit other people can’t do. Then it becomes a balancing act between how much of the illness can be used for good and how much of the illness is just destroying us.
It’s it’s tricky and in my case My only goal was to beat the illness. I knew I was creative. I knew my brain, you know, it went places.
In the dark days, I frequently went without my permission and I’d get caught in a loop where half of me would trying to get the other half for me to leave me alone. I couldn’t get my brain to stop working. God, those days were bad.
I’ve said that before, I used to have this ability that was of no use that I can figure out even to this day where I could have 5 random topics popping on my head 1 after the other and a conversation would immediately light up under each topic of me talking to some other aspect of me about that topic, the topics were meaningless to my day to day life.
They were meaningless and and disconnected from 1 another.
And yet these conversations would start and I could hear me talking to someone else, probably the other me, about that topic and it would go deep, fast, tangents would split away from the main topic.
And I would pursue those tangents conversationally with other sides of myself. We’d kick we’d kick it back and forth talking about whatever that topic is.
At rapid speed all in my mind times 5 and I would not I would be clearly aware of all 5 conversations simultaneously. It produced a flood of data in my head that I could feel.
I could feel the pressure the force of the information being hammered away at in my mind. It hurt It was scary. It was mindless and pointless and I could not make it stop and to this day I don’t remember how it would stop.
I I think it would eventually just Peter out probably with me falling asleep. I I don’t know possibly falling into a panic attack. I don’t clearly remember anymore. I just remember I had that ability, which was astonishing.
And I think now if you strip away all the emotional part of what I just said, we’re basically talking about a hyper awareness. Which I still have but not with that pursuing 5 topics at once. None of that exists in my head anymore.
But there’s sort of a flavor of it a memory. There’s something about how I think and how I’m aware of life. Put it that way. That sort of matches those topics. It’s just not as intense or as deep and it’s no longer pointless at all.
It’s got to do more with my awareness of what’s going around going on around me at all times on all levels in many different categories and my ability to then draw conclusions from the connections my mind makes from all that data, but in a way that’s not crazed or or or or or driven like the fucking sluice gates at the bottom of the Hoover dam.
This is much more gentle. This is spread out across times a great amount of time, and and there’s long breaks in between.
It’s just a general vague sort of awareness of what’s going on and it’s I frequently don’t have a goal. I just know something when I know it. But I see details all the time I’m always tracking stuff visually.
Not so much with my ears but visually I do and I do it a lot with people. I watch their body language, the inflection in their voices, how whatever we’re talking about is being received by the world around us who can hear us.
Things like that and it tends to help me say something that’s needed at just the right time.
In a way that other people don’t seem to do. So That was it. I don’t want to talk anymore. I thought that was an excellent episode. I’ll talk about bipolar every now and again but I think now I think I’ve made clear my fears on that.
It’s an an an an an address to confusion as to well then why? Polar excellence if you don’t ever wanna talk about bipolar. I’ve been learning from Dan Koe, and another guy whose name I’m blanking on.
Damn it. It’s right there. But I’ve been learning about how you can do that. You have a main you you have a main topic that’s sort of under underneath the the surface of everything.
But you don’t talk about it constantly. It’s it’s just sort of what routes you in reality and then you can talk about anything else that that matters to you.
And every now and then you talk about the main topic just so that everything is kept within proper context. Everything about me has something to do with bipolar because it just does.
It just does Even though I be bipolar and is not an active part of my life just because it’s not and hasn’t been for almost 2 decades now. It definitely shaped all that I am and how I see life now.
And people that have it once they find out I had it and see how my life is now wanna know more or at the very least I have a way of providing comfort to anyone for any reason because of how I how I heal myself I gave myself comfort.
There’s something that emanates off of me that people perceive when they need it and it can and they they can need it for any reason under the sun.
And I enjoy giving it. I’m just productizing and and turning it into a business within bipolar excellence.
You can do the same with whatever makes you cool and groovy and special and cool and I want to help you with it. That was the final thought. Still don’t have an end phrase. So I’m just gonna say thanks for tuning in and be well.